I don’t much believe in the cult of celebrity, but sometimes you learn a lot from watching how they live their lives. As a public service, I give you…
10 Things You Could Learn From Tiger Woods
1. Variety? Not the spice of life we thought it was. It’s weird for me to look at the cavalcade of alleged mistresses only to find out that they look like variations on a similar theme: Fugly. And isn’t his wife white and fugly, too? I mean, when you cheat, aren’t you looking for something you DON’T have? If you have Lays potato chips at home, you steal Doritos. You gonna go out and steal ANOTHER a bag of Laysin Vegas? Really?
2. Domestic violence against men? Whatever. We suspect Tiger was a victim, but we don’t know and may never know. But he has it coming … right?
3. White women are gulley, too. Not only did Elin Nordegren probably/maybe bust Tiger’s lip, but did you hear that she called the jump-off at work?! That’s a prelude to a weave-pullin’, grease-splatterin’, bare-chested catfight! Say what you will, but I can’t recall an act of domestic violence coupled with a catfight that has lifted away a pervasive stereotype: From this day forward, the image of the spineless, pliant, white woman is dead. Those of us who have dated white women already knew, but let the record show: A white woman will eff you up on some BS at least as quickly, if not quicker, than a sista will.
4. Cheat within your caste. Rich guys always end up hooking up with coat-check girls, retail managers and cocktail waitresses. Not for nothing because this creates a power dynamic that makes the dalliance even that much more psycho-sexual. But choosing low inadvertantly puts the mistress on top. How? Well, if you are a rich, married man with children hooking up with a waitress, college co-ed, office assistant or aspiring actress, you have given someone power over your life who has everything to gain and nothing to lose by compromising your trust. If you have to cheat, get yourself a married woman or someone who has at least as much to lose as you.
5. Fame is the deal you make with the devil. You can’t turn it on and off.
6. You need a Ne’er Do Well in your crew. I find that no matter how high I climb up the social ladder, it’s always good to keep a Ne’er Do Well in my crew — think Rollo Larson — someone who is too street to come to my cocktail parties, but street enough to advise me when I get myself in some crazy ish that may need a less-than-honorable-but-effective solution. Didn’t Rollo always seem to have a plausible lie on tap? That’s what I’m talking about.
7. White women accentuate your blackness. Tiger Woods, the monied black man surrounding himself with a bevy of below-average, dirt-road white women looks more like Polow Da Don than a role model to millions. There is no racism here, and I’m sure he’d get the same kind of attention if he were Brett Favre — but only if Farve were married to a sista. It would be hard to look at this story and not see how race makes it even more titillating. The media wolves have been waiting for this day for over a decade, and his blackness has never been so apparent.
8. Playing one game well doesn’t make you a playa. Leaving messages, sexting messages, allowing pictures to be taken … these are the missteps of a micro-pimp and paperback playa. Tiger obviously went to the Kwame Kilpatrick School of Infidelity. Some women call sexting “cute.” In divorce court, they call it “evidence.”
9. Tiger Woods probably reads my blog. I say this in my book and wrote a joint on my blog about what to do if a woman attacks you, and among the things I suggested was, even if she follows you, to get out in the open where there could be witnesses and cops can be called. And that may be what Tiger did. Political commentator extraordinaire and fellow Root-er Adam Serwer suggested back in the day the idea that women attack was “misogynist” on its face. Suck it, Chad.